Signs of abuse

Healthy relationships revolve around equality; which includes trust, communication, commitment, and compromise.

Click on the questions below to learn more:

1. Does this person have a problem with you hanging out with your friends?
Oftentimes, abusive partners are jealous and possessive of you and your time. Healthy relationships have room for family, friends and colleagues.
2. Does this person have trouble getting along with his or her family and friends?
Troubled interpersonal relationships may signal trouble with intimate relationships, too.
3. Do you ever wonder if this person is really a friend?
Friends are accepting, supportive, respectful, share interests, and care about you as a person. Abusive people are often self-centered and only focused on themselves.
4. Is this person unsupportive of your accomplishments and ambitions?
Abusive people are often threatened by your achievements because they secretly fear that you will no longer need them if you grow and become successful.
5. Do you feel that your opinion doesn’t count in making decisions?
Abusive partners often discount others and make all the major decisions in a relationship.
6. Does this person call you disrespectful names?
Abusive people often call you names and put you down to make themselves feel better. Over time, this can seriously erode your self esteem, leaving you feeling unsure of your self and your abilities.
7. Is it difficult to name at least 5 characteristics of this person that you really admire and like?
It can be easy to identify positive characteristics in an abusive person. They often present as very charming and charismatic, and no one is “all bad.” But, they often have another side that is angry, cruel, threatening, blaming and accusatory.
8. Does this person expect you to report to them about your activities when you are apart?
Because abusive partners are very possessive, they often expect you to tell them everything you do. Healthy relationships are built on mutual trust and respect.
9. Does this person lose his or her temper easily?
Sometimes abusive partners use explosive temper, bad moods to intimidate and scare their partners so they can control them more easily. You may avoid disagreements, “walk on eggshells” or be careful not to antagonize such a person.
10. Does this person get angry or feel hurt if you don’t pay “enough” attention to him or her?
Often, abusive partners require all your attention and are easily angered, hurt, or feel threatened if you show interest in others.
11. Have you ever seen this person throw, hit, or break things when angry?
Abusive people use this tactic to intimidate others so you may fear, “next time, this could be you.” This allows you to be controlled without even being touched.
12. Does this person become abusive when he or she uses drugs and/or alcohol?
Substance abuse lowers inhibitions and allows people who already have an abusive/violent tendency to become more unpredictable and to more readily act upon their impulses.
13. Does this person expect you to use drugs and/or alcohol?
Abusive partners justify their own substance abuse by coercing/forcing substance use on their partners and can threaten negative consequences by disclosing your use.
14. Is this person sometimes very loving and flattering, but other times angry or cruel?
Abusive partners are often very charming and charismatic, but can quickly show their other side that is angry, cruel, threatening, blaming and accusatory.
15. Does this person ever humiliate you in public or private?
This is a painful and embarrassing experience which causes you to feel shameful about yourself. You may try to do anything to appease your partner in an attempt to avoid these incidents, which gives your partner even more control.
16. Does it bother you if this person jokingly grabs you roughly or takes “playful wrestling” too far?
Abusive partners often minimize or justify aggressive behavior to make you feel like you’re being overly sensitive. If you are bothered by something, your partner should respect your wishes and feelings.
17. Does this person seem unpredictable (you never know what will anger him/her)?
An abusive partner can go from calm to filled with rage quickly, in situations that most people would not react so strongly.
18. Does this person pressure you to engage in unwanted sexual activities?
This is abusive. You have the right to say no, to have your feelings respected, and set your own limits.
19. Does this person think you have enough education even though you want to go to school?
In a relationship based on equality and mutual respect, your partner is not threatened by your achievements and is supportive of your life goals.
20. Does this person ever accuse you of cheating on him or her?
This is very common among abusive partners, and is a “tell-tale” sign of an abusive relationship. Healthy relationships are built on mutual trust and respect.
21. Does this person talk negatively about your family when you’re alone, but hide those negative feelings when in your family’s company?
Abusive partners frequently attempt to erode your relationships with family and friends. Isolation is a common form of control, leaving you without other sources for a “reality check..”
22. Do you ever feel interrogated when you return after having been out?
Abusive partners insist on their partners accounting for their whereabouts as a means of control.
23. Does your partner control the finances in your relationship?
A healthy relationship is a partnership where you have equal say in financial decisions. If your partner makes all the important decisions about money alone, and/or limits your access to money or interferes with your efforts to earn money, this is abuse.
24. Has this person ever hit, grabbed, pushed, punched, kicked or otherwise physically hurt you?
This is abuse and it is a crime. No one has the right to treat you this way. You deserve to feel safe and secure, especially in your intimate relationship.

If you answered “Yes” to any of the above, you may be in an abusive relationship. While any one answer does not necessarily mean you are being abused, you may want to seek advice if you feel concerned by any of your partner’s behaviors.

You may consider working with a counselor or advocate about how to be safer in your relationship, how to leave your relationship safely if you so choose, and what other options may be available to you such as seeking a restraining order, calling the police, and/or contacting your local domestic violence hotline/shelter.

When seeking advice, it is important to request confidential consultation, and remember that you are free to make your own decisions and to decide for yourself whether you want to use any of the options or recommendations provided.